So much starts at the beginning. As a
pediatrician I'm used to looking at the long curve of life, and
trying to help people adjust that curve for their kids at the
beginning. We promote physical health – exercise! – and we
prevent physical disease – immunize! But beyond the body, we try
to promote and prevent with behaviors as well as physical health.
So as a pediatrician, I looked at the
recent NFL problems of personnel misbehavior off the field with a
weary familiarity. Yes, athletes tend to be spoiled by adulation and
indulgence by organizations that hope to benefit from their skills.
Yes, their sport is violent. But no, these are not just “dumb
athletes.” They are people of good intelligence and character who
just didn't get the early training – and pediatric guidance –
that they should have.
I looked at the Ray Rice video and
cringed along with everyone else. It was clear that Janay was coming
at him – she had a lot to say, and it didn't look complimentary.
She appeared pretty verbal even in a silent video. I saw Ray's
bottled up fury. What could he do? I wanted to yell out to him:
“Ray, use your words!”
I know that sounds all touchy-feely and
nerdy, and to some ears it sounds unmasculine. Women talk and talk
and we men drink beer with each other and grunt and laugh, right?
Well, no, not right. Women might be naturally more verbal on
average, at least in our society, but men can and should learn to use
language instead of physical strength. This can be learned! It
needs to be learned.
Parents teach kids to use words instead
of fists. Even if the parents themselves lack the verbal and
personal skills needed, they can send the kids to preschools to learn
to use their words. My own children got a full dose of using words
at a preschool that was decidely unacademic, but instead stressed
social skills and talking with one another, and conflict avoiding
strategies. If Ray Rice had been my kids' classmate, he would have
had his teacher's voice in his mind. He would have heard her saying,
“Ray, use your words!” And he would have had those words to use
right there in his mind.
Then we got the grim news about Adrian
Peterson, that wonderful running back whom I had always thought a
fine man. My God, hitting his four year old with a tree branch? And
then Charles Barkley saying that that's just the way of the South?
Did your families never go to a pediatrician? Did you never hear
about not hitting children, and in fact not hitting anyone? Hitting
with a switch? My pediatrician (OK, also Northern and Jewish) mind
just boggles.
Gentlemen, hitting begets hitting. Hit
a kid and he will kick a dog, and when he gets older, he will in turn
hit a kid and who knows whom else. Do you think fear of bodily harm
is what keeps people in line? I'm not advocating guilt and shame,
understand, but there are other things that work. Most people turn
out like their parents, so setting an excellent example is the most
important job of parenting. Discipline can be exacted by direction
and attention and by setting proper incentives. The most important
of all is positive reinforcement. Catch your kid doing something
good, and praise him! Show him. Set expectations, set up
consequences of bad behavior that withdraws privileges, give him a
time out if you want. There are lots of things to do. But Adrian,
and Charles, please, hitting is not the right way.
As pediatricians we try to get things
right at the start, to set the curve of life in a positive direction.
We try to direct our parents and their kids to positive
interactions, to positive child rearing, to verbal self defense and
explanation. Maybe it seems wimpy, maybe it does. But maybe some
wimpiness is just what the doctor ordered. It sure beats cold
cocking the girl you're going to marry.
Budd Shenkin
